This Is What Alone Sounds Like

I can say with conviction that there hasn't been another year like 2009. This year has shown me what it means to be isolated and I've grown from it, but I've also learned that it's fucking hard to not have emotional support. I love my friends of geographical proximity dearly, but the inability to have the immediacy of emotional comfort provided by my dearest has taught me the harsh need to be completely independent.

2009, I love you, but you can fuck off.

This Is How I Wrap It Up These Days

Today's Cryptoquote:

"To stop the flow of music would be like the stopping of time itself, incredible and inconceivable."

-Aaron Copland

I've come to the decision that I will not be compiling a Top 10 Albums list this year. For one, it's tedious and I don't feel like making the time. But more that that, I don't feel as though I've listened to enough of the music that has come out this year to make informed judgments. There are certainly a few albums that came out in '09 that I loved, but I tended to wrap myself in their familiarity rather than seek out something new and itchy that needed a few washes and wears before it was as comfortable. Stated plainly: my appetite waned.

I think this is a good thing, though. My musical drought has made me incredibly excited for the releases of next year. In the last week I've been hooked on the new singles by These New Puritans, Hot Chip, and most recently Titus Andronicus. So bring on 2010! I've had enough of this decade anyway.

(I'd like to apologize to and thank both Jon and Aaron for their diligence in sharing new music. I'm sure that in the coming months I'll go back and reap the fruits of your labor.)

Goals for the weekend:

1) Stop kidding myself.

2) Finish reading What the Dog Saw.

3) Write a new piano piece.

The Distant Days

Feeling a little distant lately. Disconnected mostly. From this place and others and people.

Feeling introspective. Spending too much time in my head. For better and worse.

Things seem to explode and implode simultaneously leaving only a ripple on the surface.

The cold has come. Bitter. Biting. Quiet.

Reason has gone. Blind silence.

I Love My Vice

An awesome Q & A with tall girls thanks to your friends at Vice.

The Happenings

1.  Went on a date recently. His name is Drew. I enjoy his company. He is attractive. I am not attracted to him. I told him we can only be friends. I feel a near sense of obligation to refrain from being in a relationship because so many people around me are in such fucked up ones. Or maybe all relationships are fucked up and I'm just now realizing this.

2.  Went to the beach. Nearly accidentally disemboweled myself on a rock. Have a cut running the length of my torso. No worries, my face is as beautiful as ever.

3.  Dauphine's closed. Old news. Oh well.

4.  Kickball has begun in its preseason incarnation. Koppa Mafia is looking to take it all this year, and not in a dirty hooker kind of way. Except maybe a little.

5.  While Eric was in town I ripped the webbing between my second and third toes on my right foot. That injury is now healed.

6.  The internet is boring.

This Makes Me So Happy

Makes Me Want An Amazing Chest Piece

Dual Intrigue

As of late, I have been very interested in two things:

The first, and I've been intrigued by this for awhile but have recently become a bit obsessed by it, is the way people swing their arms. It is fascinating to me. I have had for a long time a theory that you can identify gay men by the way they swing their arms (elbows in, palms forward) but of course it is only a generalization. I'm not sure if there are any studies out there on the subject (arm swinging, in general) but I would love to read them.

Secondly, I've been pondering codependence, both generally and in regard to myself. It seems so incredibly foreign to me at times. It struck me the other day that I can't really imagine myself doing "couple" things. It seems bizarre, and not to say that if just seems foreign (which it does) but there is some tinge of repulsion also in the way I feel. It's interesting.

Words of Wisdom

Fuck You, Linka

I'm so fucking sick of this wind bullshit. If it's windy today I might actually kill something.

Pieces

Today, I was about to complain to someone that I'm going to be single forever, but the words my mind conjured were "I'm going to be gay forever!" At this point I'm vastly at ease with the idea of being single for... ever... I've resigned myself to it. And while I'm also certain that I will not be, I have a hard time imagining myself actually settling down with someone. Which is not to say that I would rather whore around, I'm just completely comfortable being single and honestly feel far less neurotic when I am. Which is saying a lot, and not very much at all. And I think marriage is kind of weird.

I don't want this resignation to be misconstrued as defeat, though. Dating is not out of my control. If I wanted to date someone, I could. But I don't. Not any of these people. I seem to be encountering a lot of resignation of defeat lately. Ayn Rand is pounding into my brain that nothing is granted, everything must be earned, honesty is respect, reality can't be faked. These are all things I believe in. I know that there is an existent repulsion for Rand's works, which I'm finding hard to understand. If someone could explain it to me, I would be grateful.

I Know This Girl in Chicago (Who's Moving to Seattle Soon)...

Huh?

Middle-Aged Jewish Men Making Rap Music

It's amazing and a little bit hilarious to see the Beastie Boys perform these days.

A Want for Wanting

I've been trolling through everything I wrote last year, and a wealth of what I wrote in years prior as a source of inspiration for what I'm writing now and what I've found is, despite the fact that I am writing, I miss writing. I have this insatiable hunger for wordsmithing. Writing lyrics is always an interesting endeavor. I find myself having to over-think everything, over-write everything, and then I pare it all down, simplify the themes, etc... It's hard to not get lost in metaphor and symbolism.

I Should Stop Thinking

A couple minutes ago I started trying to analyze why I do the things I do. It took about three seconds to come to the conclusion that everything I do is completely irrational. Is anything rational? I'm starting to think my entire life, and possibly everyone's life, is one big hyper-obsessive, delusional power play.

Quick Thought

I thought briefly today about the idea of settling down and falling in love. The intriguing part of this contemplation was that I considered that the whole ordeal could be a result of the aging process, the actual breakdown of our DNA, the first glimmer of senility.

Cuddle Puddle!

I vow to start writing real posts again soon, as opposed to just reposting pictures.

Partners in Crime

I Know This Girl in Portland...

Obsolete

Game Face

If I Slip Away

Quick thought: Are our lives becoming more like reality television, mirroring the supposed reality, as opposed to reality television mirroring actual life?

I've been on a bit of a music binge today. A cautious foresight, I suppose. I've been listening to my favorites. Plenty of Joy Division, some New Order, and all of the songs that remind me of those I love. I find myself at an interesting and terrifying impasse. For once in my life I have absolutely no idea what will come. And I'm scared.

I don't know how to emotionally prepare myself. I don't know what plans I need to lay out in the case of my absence. I don't know what words to say to plead my case. I don't know how. Or what. Or when.

I cried tonight, for the first time in quite awhile. Not very much, but enough for it to be a release, and enough to admit to myself that I'm afraid. I know that today is going to require all of the strength I have, and that stoicism will be an absolute necessity. The last time I was in the clink I knew that if I allowed myself to break down, even a little bit, that I may not recover from it. I knew that if I allowed myself to be weak, I would open the door to a complete collapse. It makes me wish I were more open with my emotions on a day to day basis.

I've had some scary thoughts lately. Faced some definite demons. I think I'll be okay.

Permanent

This makes me want to listen to Joy Division.

Push

This is for Danielle. When I saw it, I automatically thought about your current state of writer's block. Every time I read through it I feel motivated to do. Ready. Start.

This Is How I Feel Today

Words Less

I'm happy when we're listening to music and all we can do is smile.

The Real News

I realized a couple of things this weekend:

1) I was having a conversation with Christina recently and she posited to me that I don't like gay men. I kind of shrugged it off at the time because it didn't seem that shocking. I've always openly admitted that I don't like gay men. But I was thinking about it today in the car and the gravity of it sank in a bit more: I don't like gay men. I have met fewer than ten gay men that I was both attracted to and interested in. That's bleak. I may never have sex again.

2) I don't think I can move to Chicago. Which is to say, I don't think I'd be happy in Chicago. I think I could live there for awhile, and I would definitely enjoy the company of my friends, but I'm not sure it's for me. I've spent a lot of time in Chicago and it has failed to really grab me. There is something missing, something awry. I don't think it's for me. 

Life Just Will Not Let You Recover

I was just sitting here, listening to some Pink Floyd and feeling a little nostalgic and it happened. It always happens. Panic attack.

It's hard for me to think of my closest friends and not start to freak out a little. I fucking miss them. I know that I use this disclaimer very often, but I do love my friends in Missoula. That fact should not be doubted. But I fucking miss my best friends. I miss having those people around who don't have to ask how I feel, because they know without me saying. And I miss being able to talk to them about things that are bothering me without feeling like I'm being a bother myself.

Seeing Eric made me realize how much I miss people. And while it was great to see him, I miss him more now than I did before. And I miss everyone more, because the first thing I want to do is hang out with someone to cull the loneliness. I've got no legs to hold me up.

Will You Smile Again for Me?

Dear Snakebite,

Are you excited for your summer internship in Los Angeles? I am. I can't wait for you to leave. I hope you never come back. Oh, I'm sorry, is that mean spirited? Well, I'm not nice, and we're not friends, so let's stop pretending. It would make me incredibly happy if I never saw you again, so let's see what we can work out on that front, yeah?

Best,

Ryan

The Big R

No, not a terrible new nickname. Rejection.

I used to have this joke that I had never been rejected, except it wasn't I joke. I really had not. I somehow escaped adolescence without the emotional hardship of being turned down (but I was called a fag everyday, so I suppose there's some sort of trade off...). Sure, I've had rough breakups and things of that nature, but I'd never had someone flat out tell me no. Until this week.

The event had an interesting affect on me, mostly because I didn't feel the situation at hand warranted any response, or affirmation, or rejection. It was a bit confusing and became even more so as time went by. It is no secret that I think rather highly of myself, so there was obviously the rather initial shock of disbelief that this could actually be happening to me. Once that passed there were some bigger picture doubts that surfaced and had a far heavier impact. "I'm never going to date again." That is basically all I could think.

As I do in most situations when I'm not sure how to handle my emotions, I started walking. Every couple hours. I walked a lot. I'm still walking a lot. And at first it did absolutely nothing. It made me angrier, if anything. And then slowly, once I stopped thinking about everything so much, I actually started thinking. And this is when I realized that I've never dealt with rejection. I don't know how to process it. And then I became a bit fascinated. "So this is what it feels like?"

I wonder sometimes how human I really am. I wonder just how much I really relate to people. Somehow, when I am able to understand why I feel the way I do, when I unearth the reason, I immediately feel better. And from there begins the game. I'm not really sure, even to this day, what the game is, but I know I've been playing it my entire life. It begins with me feeling something, and then me needing to know how, why, etc... and then it evolves into this process of understanding how other people feel in the same situation, and how they deal with their emotions. And by wrapping myself in this process I eliminate the emotion all together. I make it irrelevant. Or rather, I make it irrelevant to me. I dissociate myself from my own experience.

And then I feel fine.

FML, Part II

I haven't slept. I'm fighting off a cold (not very successfully). I'm pretty sure I have an ear infection. I'm eating possibly the most disgusting leftovers ever. And I'm watching the, thus far, incredibly underwhelming "Parks and Recreation".

My life is awesome.

Introspect

I haven't slept yet. This, itself, is not news. Merely, a preface.

The last week has been interesting. I have the open wound, soon to be a scar, which will serve as some twisted memento. It's suiting that it's over my heart. That's sick. (I'm wishing I hadn't written that, but I'm not going to delete it.) (Strike this paragraph.)

Most notably, I stepped outside my realm of comfort regarding communication and my emotions. I haven't done that for quite some time. It was liberating, and it felt incredible. But Newton would have it that there be equal and opposite. I was discussing superpowers with someone recently, more specifically one's desired power. Sometimes I wish I had the power to not think so much. My abundant thoughts will surely someday stop my heart. My head has certainly by now taught my heart to be equally as unstable. Stress. Why? Is there room to be more non sequitur? Liking isn't as lovely as it seems.

Everybody hears the wind blow.

Musical Musical Chairs

I'm trying desperately as of late to play catch up/keep up with music released this year. Lately, it's been a bit discouraging. I feel like I'm trudging through a lot, and liking only a little. Most of the time I find myself just wanting to listen to Matt & Kim again. Or to listen to the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs just one more time because it's comfortable and it's grown on me.

Tonight, for instance, I acquired Cymbals Eat Guitars' "Why There Are Mountains", Royksopp's "Junior", and the epic compilation "Dark Was the Night". I only made it halfway through CEG before I gave up. Which is not to say it's bad, it's just new. And new isn't always a good thing. Though I do really want to listen to The Thermals' new album. I have a feeling it's going to be a bit like an old sweater and I'm not going to want to take it off.

A Brief Rant

I am so fucking sick of Shepard Fairey.

Land of the Lost

I don't really sleep anymore. I was sleeping fairly well for awhile, but now I'm back to the regular old routine of it being basically impossible for me to fall asleep. And when I finally do I only sleep for about twenty minutes at which point I wake in a panic and start worrying about the million things I always worry about.

So here I am. I thought about going for a walk but I don't feel like putting on pants. And I'd recreate that whole Jared scene of yesteryear except I don't have any popsicles and it's below freezing outside. I thought about chain smoking but I already feel like I'm going to throw up. So here I am.

I don't really talk about my emotions very much, in person, or otherwise. I think this is probably a character flaw. I feel so constantly bottled up which (irrationally) causes me to resent the people around me. I feel like I'm waiting in an endless line, waiting for my turn to have a breakdown.

I watched the trailer for "Where The Wild Things Are" tonight. I honestly had no interest in the movie until I saw the trailer. It nearly made me cry.

Everyone is a fucking wreck these days.

I guess we'll just have to adjust.

The State of Being Broke (and Possibly Broken)

I sold my tennis racquet today. For $25 dollars. I've been living on absolutely no money lately so it was kind of inevitable, but it was still kind of tough. The guys at the store were looking at it and admitted that it looked like a nice racquet (it's a Prince) but then one of them decided that it probably only retailed for $60 new. He asked me if this was the case and I assured him it cost me $180. Then he told me that it had cheap strings, which I assured him was also untrue. Finally, they decided that the best course of action was to look it up on the internet. They found one, brand new, selling for $140, which makes sense seeing as how it's a year old model. Sadly, I needed the money, so when they offered me $25 I had little choice but to accept the offer.

I figured that since everyone I used to play with moved away it wasn't doing me much good, but still it was hard to let go of. I have a hard time selling any of my sporting equipment, which sounds a bit weird, but it provides some kind of affirmation. I battle with the idea of being seen as less of a man because I'm gay, and having athletic ability somehow eases this worry. Oh, well.

I've been applying endlessly for jobs the last couple months to absolutely no avail. I have a couple leads, but I've had leads before that led absolutely nowhere. It doesn't exactly help that I don't have a phone. Or, you know, that I'm on probation.

In the realm of good news, I found out today that O-Face will be visiting soon. This excites me very much. It'll be good to see someone from the ol' Koppa clan. Also, I get to see Dallas and Eric in a couple of months which will be an enormous emotional breath of fresh air. I miss those kids. I miss everyone, really.

Finally, I was listening to "Oh Sombra!" by Electrelane the other day and took the time to find a translation of the lyrics, as I do not speak Spanish, and am now enamored with the chorus. The translation is as follows (as far as I can tell):

"Oh shadow of relief, that fickle flies, to make what's best in me be what I lack!"

Productivity Returned

I think I may have actually reset my sleep schedule. This morning I woke up at 9:30 as opposed to going to sleep at 9:30. Granted, I'm tired because I didn't sleep for very long, but I also realized that it is far easier to be productive when the sun is up. Instead of laying in bed all day, I went for a walk, fixed my resume, printed a few copies, ran into some people, talked to the owner of Dauphine's about a job, and now I'm blogging, which is something I haven't been motivated to do for quite some time.

Other things:

-  My sleep schedule, and obsession with The O.C. put a damper on my reading. I'm hoping to get back into it.

-  I accidentally started working out again. Travis, Mike, and I had a bit of a wrestling match/brawl that, when combined with trying to teach Travis how to do handstands for 45 minutes, resulted in some considerably sore arms and shoulders. Once that soreness subsided I was enlisted by my landlord to paint my neighbor's apartment. I had forgotten how much I enjoy that dull ache.

High Pitch

I believe they call this the doldrums. There is no wind, no sound, no change. Day turns to night, to day again, and night once more with little progress other than that of time. This is my life this week:

1) My phone doesn't work. In the scheme of the budget it came down to rent or cell phone bill, and having a roof seemed vastly more important. Being without a phone, however, is incredibly annoying, as my friends remind me every time I see them. I am led to believe they think I find it somehow comforting, or convenient. I do not.

2) I had a gentleman caller of sorts this week. It was a long time coming. Christina and Carly have been trying to set me up with said sir for quite some time, plans which were foiled by his relocation to Seattle last year. He was, however, back visiting for the weekend. Thursday night antics ensued, and intoxication and my sleep deprivation/need to be awake at 6:30 interfered. My aforementioned state of restricted communication then also stepped in. Maybe some other time.

3) I have been watching a great deal of movies lately, very good movies, actually.

4) Benny is doing better. He has resigned himself to destroy his toys as opposed to my possessions, which is a welcome change. I estimate that, to date, he has accomplished at least $400 worth of damages.

5) I thought that some isolation might be good for me, but it turns out that after a couple of days it actually just makes me feel completely insane.

Like Living With a Lemon...

My dog has decided to start eating everything. I was naive enough to think that it might not happen because he was really good for the first few days, but he felt the need to inform me that I'm an idiot. Thus far he has destroyed two rolls of toilette paper, a tube of toothpaste, three bottles of vitamin water, half a dozen important pieces of paperwork, and my white loafers. Needless to say, I'm thrilled with him right now.

Edit: Add one contact case to the list.

State of Affairs

So I'm officially the last one standing in the ol' MSLA. Here's the rundown:

- Got a new apartment that is pretty awesome. It's a spacious studio with a washer & dryer. Private landlord. And...

- I can have a dog, which I am getting next week. His name is Benny, he's a sweetheart.

- I'm broke as hell, even though I'm working all the time. What's new.

- Swiss Miss is crazy. Pretty sure she got fired on Friday.

- FML

That's about it. Nothing changes.

And All in The World Was... Strange.

This marks the period of greatest upheaval in my life. Generally, I would qualify that by saying, "since I was twelve years old" but I think this is the pinnacle.

Which is not to say that change is bad. I enjoy change, and embrace it as a natural key to growth and evolution, but holy shit. This is a lot of change. A lot of good change, but also a lot to deal with. My new job is going incredibly well, which honestly doesn't surprise me all that much. My boss loves me, though not my use of public transportation. She actually abhors that. But then again, she drives a Hummer. I'm in the process of looking for a new apartment, which is interesting. I haven't lived by myself in nearly a year, which has the potential to be incredibly lonely, but I think it's going to be good. I tend to feel a bit more sane when I live by myself.

I went on a date last night. That's really all I have to say about that. That's really all there is to say.

All of a sudden I miss everyone, though it's not so sudden, and I know that everyone is off being productive. Lately, I feel a bit bogged down with emotion, to the extent that I can't express any of it, except maybe some petulance. I've been writing a lot of haikus lately, which sounds incredibly emo, but is actually very theraputic. The rigid structure of the poem somehow allows my mind to function more efficiently. It makes sense to me.

We'll see where this goes. I have a feeling that most of my post are going to be inane rambling, which for me is a good thing. For readers, maybe not so much.