Quick thought: Are our lives becoming more like reality television, mirroring the supposed reality, as opposed to reality television mirroring actual life?
I've been on a bit of a music binge today. A cautious foresight, I suppose. I've been listening to my favorites. Plenty of Joy Division, some New Order, and all of the songs that remind me of those I love. I find myself at an interesting and terrifying impasse. For once in my life I have absolutely no idea what will come. And I'm scared.
I don't know how to emotionally prepare myself. I don't know what plans I need to lay out in the case of my absence. I don't know what words to say to plead my case. I don't know how. Or what. Or when.
I cried tonight, for the first time in quite awhile. Not very much, but enough for it to be a release, and enough to admit to myself that I'm afraid. I know that today is going to require all of the strength I have, and that stoicism will be an absolute necessity. The last time I was in the clink I knew that if I allowed myself to break down, even a little bit, that I may not recover from it. I knew that if I allowed myself to be weak, I would open the door to a complete collapse. It makes me wish I were more open with my emotions on a day to day basis.
I've had some scary thoughts lately. Faced some definite demons. I think I'll be okay.
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