The Happenings
1. Went on a date recently. His name is Drew. I enjoy his company. He is attractive. I am not attracted to him. I told him we can only be friends. I feel a near sense of obligation to refrain from being in a relationship because so many people around me are in such fucked up ones. Or maybe all relationships are fucked up and I'm just now realizing this.
2. Went to the beach. Nearly accidentally disemboweled myself on a rock. Have a cut running the length of my torso. No worries, my face is as beautiful as ever.
3. Dauphine's closed. Old news. Oh well.
4. Kickball has begun in its preseason incarnation. Koppa Mafia is looking to take it all this year, and not in a dirty hooker kind of way. Except maybe a little.
5. While Eric was in town I ripped the webbing between my second and third toes on my right foot. That injury is now healed.
6. The internet is boring.
Dual Intrigue
As of late, I have been very interested in two things:
The first, and I've been intrigued by this for awhile but have recently become a bit obsessed by it, is the way people swing their arms. It is fascinating to me. I have had for a long time a theory that you can identify gay men by the way they swing their arms (elbows in, palms forward) but of course it is only a generalization. I'm not sure if there are any studies out there on the subject (arm swinging, in general) but I would love to read them.
Secondly, I've been pondering codependence, both generally and in regard to myself. It seems so incredibly foreign to me at times. It struck me the other day that I can't really imagine myself doing "couple" things. It seems bizarre, and not to say that if just seems foreign (which it does) but there is some tinge of repulsion also in the way I feel. It's interesting.
Fuck You, Linka
I'm so fucking sick of this wind bullshit. If it's windy today I might actually kill something.
Pieces
Today, I was about to complain to someone that I'm going to be single forever, but the words my mind conjured were "I'm going to be gay forever!" At this point I'm vastly at ease with the idea of being single for... ever... I've resigned myself to it. And while I'm also certain that I will not be, I have a hard time imagining myself actually settling down with someone. Which is not to say that I would rather whore around, I'm just completely comfortable being single and honestly feel far less neurotic when I am. Which is saying a lot, and not very much at all. And I think marriage is kind of weird.
I don't want this resignation to be misconstrued as defeat, though. Dating is not out of my control. If I wanted to date someone, I could. But I don't. Not any of these people. I seem to be encountering a lot of resignation of defeat lately. Ayn Rand is pounding into my brain that nothing is granted, everything must be earned, honesty is respect, reality can't be faked. These are all things I believe in. I know that there is an existent repulsion for Rand's works, which I'm finding hard to understand. If someone could explain it to me, I would be grateful.
Middle-Aged Jewish Men Making Rap Music
It's amazing and a little bit hilarious to see the Beastie Boys perform these days.
A Want for Wanting
I've been trolling through everything I wrote last year, and a wealth of what I wrote in years prior as a source of inspiration for what I'm writing now and what I've found is, despite the fact that I am writing, I miss writing. I have this insatiable hunger for wordsmithing. Writing lyrics is always an interesting endeavor. I find myself having to over-think everything, over-write everything, and then I pare it all down, simplify the themes, etc... It's hard to not get lost in metaphor and symbolism.
I Should Stop Thinking
A couple minutes ago I started trying to analyze why I do the things I do. It took about three seconds to come to the conclusion that everything I do is completely irrational. Is anything rational? I'm starting to think my entire life, and possibly everyone's life, is one big hyper-obsessive, delusional power play.
Quick Thought
I thought briefly today about the idea of settling down and falling in love. The intriguing part of this contemplation was that I considered that the whole ordeal could be a result of the aging process, the actual breakdown of our DNA, the first glimmer of senility.
If I Slip Away
Quick thought: Are our lives becoming more like reality television, mirroring the supposed reality, as opposed to reality television mirroring actual life?
I've been on a bit of a music binge today. A cautious foresight, I suppose. I've been listening to my favorites. Plenty of Joy Division, some New Order, and all of the songs that remind me of those I love. I find myself at an interesting and terrifying impasse. For once in my life I have absolutely no idea what will come. And I'm scared.
I don't know how to emotionally prepare myself. I don't know what plans I need to lay out in the case of my absence. I don't know what words to say to plead my case. I don't know how. Or what. Or when.
I cried tonight, for the first time in quite awhile. Not very much, but enough for it to be a release, and enough to admit to myself that I'm afraid. I know that today is going to require all of the strength I have, and that stoicism will be an absolute necessity. The last time I was in the clink I knew that if I allowed myself to break down, even a little bit, that I may not recover from it. I knew that if I allowed myself to be weak, I would open the door to a complete collapse. It makes me wish I were more open with my emotions on a day to day basis.
I've had some scary thoughts lately. Faced some definite demons. I think I'll be okay.
Push
This is for Danielle. When I saw it, I automatically thought about your current state of writer's block. Every time I read through it I feel motivated to do. Ready. Start.
The Real News
I realized a couple of things this weekend:
1) I was having a conversation with Christina recently and she posited to me that I don't like gay men. I kind of shrugged it off at the time because it didn't seem that shocking. I've always openly admitted that I don't like gay men. But I was thinking about it today in the car and the gravity of it sank in a bit more: I don't like gay men. I have met fewer than ten gay men that I was both attracted to and interested in. That's bleak. I may never have sex again.
2) I don't think I can move to Chicago. Which is to say, I don't think I'd be happy in Chicago. I think I could live there for awhile, and I would definitely enjoy the company of my friends, but I'm not sure it's for me. I've spent a lot of time in Chicago and it has failed to really grab me. There is something missing, something awry. I don't think it's for me.
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