Complete Book List for 2010
- 26. Don't Get Too Comfortable - David Rakoff
- 25. Changing My Mind - Zadie Smith
- 24. Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk - David Sedaris
- 23. The Nice Old Man and the Pretty Girl - Italo Svevo
- 22. Eeeee Eee Eeee - Tao Lin
- 21. Half Empty - David Rakoff
- 20. Fraud - David Rakoff
- 19. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy - Tao Lin
- 18. Bed - Tao Lin
- 17. Fury - Salman Rushdie
- 16. A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary for Lovers - Xiaolu Guo
- 15. Richard Yates - Tao Lin
- 14. May Day - F. Scott Fitzgerald
- 13. A Lion Among Men - Gregory Maguire
- 12. Son of a Witch - Gregory Maguire
- 11. Wicked - Gregory Maguire
- 10. A Sleep and a Forgetting - William Dean Howells
- 9. Customer Service - Benoît Duteurtre
- 8. What the Dog Saw - Malcolm Gladwell
- 7. The Fall - Albert Camus
- 6. Exile and the Kingdom - Albert Camus
- 5. Lost in a Good Book - Jasper Fforde
- 5. The Eyre Affair - Jasper Fforde
- 4. A Single Man - Christopher Isherwood
- 3. House of Leaves - Mark Z. Danielewski
- 2. The Plague - Albert Camus
- 1. The Coxon Fund - Henry James
Island Life
It may be that Tao Lin's writing is acting as a mirror of my own neuroses and independence and thrusting me into a newly extreme comfort with my own isolationism. I've slipped into this sublime happiness, headphones on, running minor and mostly unimportant errands and then stopping to eat and read more Tao Lin, or drink tea and read more Tao Lin.
Sometimes I feel like my here-friends and I have drained one another of the interesting things. Like we know enough from one another so we just kind of drift around each other like shells of once interesting people. Like balloons with mild gravity. Or static. I find myself more comfortable exploring the bounds of my own mind. It's just a feeling.
One Can Always Be More Attractive
This is what I've been thinking about all day. And it seems to be the way I'm living my life. I don't just mean physically. Yes, physical fitness is one realm of being attractive, but the perfect gym body is not the apex. You can be more socially developed. One can always be smarter. Better read. More compassionate. Funnier. The list is endless. My perfectionism is almost turning into a game. Who has time for a relationship when you're busy building yourself into the perfect being?
Why I Go to the Gym
I go to the gym because I like beating the shit out of my body. I like pushing myself until I can barely move and then relishing the dull ache. I like to push myself to the point of not being able to do a single rep more and then laugh at myself for my own failure. I go to the gym because I'm a masochist. I go to the gym because I'm a narcissist.
Let's Make "I feel..." Statements
I feel out of joint. I feel out of sorts. I feel torn in several directions. I feel lost. I feel like my life has turned into some strange game of living to please others, but there was never a transition from living any other way. I've simply had a realization.
I don't know what I want to do with my life. Finishing school looms over me like an insurmountable obstacle (though only in its tediousness) but the idea of staying in this town much longer is utterly crushing. Life seems to be passing me by in a flash, though I can't imagine packing any more into each day. I feel like I'm experiencing so much, but it's never enough. The daily saturation point seems to always be one book, one movie, one magazine, one news story, one video game, one concert, one album, one night with friends, one article of clothing, one laugh, one anecdote, one missing piece away. And then I wake up wondering what it's all for.
I'm thinking about moving. And while everything about it seems like the right idea, it seems very wrong. It feels like running away from responsibility (though to what I'm not sure).
We'll see.
A List of Currently Accurate Facts
1. I saw Owen Pallett live. It was amazing.
2. I am getting over a cold.
3. I had a drink thrown on me for correcting someone's grammar.
4. I am behind on my reading, though I'm doing better these days.
5. I've been at my crap job for a year.
6. I joined a gym.
7. Morocco > Las Vegas > Arizona
That gets us up to speed, just about.
Would You Be My Long Time Baby?
I've been a bit hush, thus far, about Beach House's newest release "Teen Dream". The truth is I feel an odd possessiveness for Beach House. I saw them many years ago when they were touring on their eponymous album and instantly fell deeply in love. Their music fills my heart beyond the point of breaking, track by track, again and again. And still I can't get enough. This makes it hard for me to discuss the band and their music with the casual listener or the half-hearted newcomer. It's a bit of a Muriel and Seymour situation, though I somehow stand on both sides of the inequality. But the moral of the story is that the new album is incredible, though to absolutely no surprise. It makes my heart soar, and crush; leap and implode.
More Words, More Notes
This is what has filled my week: Owen Pallett and Albert Camus.
Owen Pallett's new album is almost constantly stuck in my head these days. The album, at first listen, comes off as a bit charming, which it surely is, but to leave it at this would be an insult. The story he tells of a fantastic world is made far less whimsical than the music would sometimes lead you to believe by the constant depth of Pallett's lyrics. This album is one that needs to be listened to actively so as not to only appreciate it as catchy.
This is just another reason Pallett is one of my favorites:
The Analysis of A Vector into Two Or More Vectors of Which It Is The Sum
Homographicly speaking that is...
My resolution for this year was actually made for me by a group of friends. I was told that my resolution was to be nicer to people. I amended this by saying that I would try to be nicer to people I already know. I think that's fair.
My personal resolution for the year is that I've finally decided to jump on the book-a-week bandwagon. I had this loose goal last year of reading 100 pages a day which ended in utter failure. I definitely set myself up for that one.
Thus concludes this requisite and clichéd entry.
This Is What Alone Sounds Like
I can say with conviction that there hasn't been another year like 2009. This year has shown me what it means to be isolated and I've grown from it, but I've also learned that it's fucking hard to not have emotional support. I love my friends of geographical proximity dearly, but the inability to have the immediacy of emotional comfort provided by my dearest has taught me the harsh need to be completely independent.
2009, I love you, but you can fuck off.
This Is How I Wrap It Up These Days
Today's Cryptoquote:
"To stop the flow of music would be like the stopping of time itself, incredible and inconceivable."-Aaron Copland
I've come to the decision that I will not be compiling a Top 10 Albums list this year. For one, it's tedious and I don't feel like making the time. But more that that, I don't feel as though I've listened to enough of the music that has come out this year to make informed judgments. There are certainly a few albums that came out in '09 that I loved, but I tended to wrap myself in their familiarity rather than seek out something new and itchy that needed a few washes and wears before it was as comfortable. Stated plainly: my appetite waned.
I think this is a good thing, though. My musical drought has made me incredibly excited for the releases of next year. In the last week I've been hooked on the new singles by These New Puritans, Hot Chip, and most recently Titus Andronicus. So bring on 2010! I've had enough of this decade anyway.
(I'd like to apologize to and thank both Jon and Aaron for their diligence in sharing new music. I'm sure that in the coming months I'll go back and reap the fruits of your labor.)
The Distant Days
Feeling a little distant lately. Disconnected mostly. From this place and others and people.
Feeling introspective. Spending too much time in my head. For better and worse.
Things seem to explode and implode simultaneously leaving only a ripple on the surface.
The cold has come. Bitter. Biting. Quiet.
Reason has gone. Blind silence.
The Happenings
1. Went on a date recently. His name is Drew. I enjoy his company. He is attractive. I am not attracted to him. I told him we can only be friends. I feel a near sense of obligation to refrain from being in a relationship because so many people around me are in such fucked up ones. Or maybe all relationships are fucked up and I'm just now realizing this.
2. Went to the beach. Nearly accidentally disemboweled myself on a rock. Have a cut running the length of my torso. No worries, my face is as beautiful as ever.
3. Dauphine's closed. Old news. Oh well.
4. Kickball has begun in its preseason incarnation. Koppa Mafia is looking to take it all this year, and not in a dirty hooker kind of way. Except maybe a little.
5. While Eric was in town I ripped the webbing between my second and third toes on my right foot. That injury is now healed.
6. The internet is boring.
Dual Intrigue
As of late, I have been very interested in two things:
The first, and I've been intrigued by this for awhile but have recently become a bit obsessed by it, is the way people swing their arms. It is fascinating to me. I have had for a long time a theory that you can identify gay men by the way they swing their arms (elbows in, palms forward) but of course it is only a generalization. I'm not sure if there are any studies out there on the subject (arm swinging, in general) but I would love to read them.
Secondly, I've been pondering codependence, both generally and in regard to myself. It seems so incredibly foreign to me at times. It struck me the other day that I can't really imagine myself doing "couple" things. It seems bizarre, and not to say that if just seems foreign (which it does) but there is some tinge of repulsion also in the way I feel. It's interesting.
Fuck You, Linka
I'm so fucking sick of this wind bullshit. If it's windy today I might actually kill something.
Pieces
Today, I was about to complain to someone that I'm going to be single forever, but the words my mind conjured were "I'm going to be gay forever!" At this point I'm vastly at ease with the idea of being single for... ever... I've resigned myself to it. And while I'm also certain that I will not be, I have a hard time imagining myself actually settling down with someone. Which is not to say that I would rather whore around, I'm just completely comfortable being single and honestly feel far less neurotic when I am. Which is saying a lot, and not very much at all. And I think marriage is kind of weird.
I don't want this resignation to be misconstrued as defeat, though. Dating is not out of my control. If I wanted to date someone, I could. But I don't. Not any of these people. I seem to be encountering a lot of resignation of defeat lately. Ayn Rand is pounding into my brain that nothing is granted, everything must be earned, honesty is respect, reality can't be faked. These are all things I believe in. I know that there is an existent repulsion for Rand's works, which I'm finding hard to understand. If someone could explain it to me, I would be grateful.
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